The things that are hardest to say

Why is it so hard to tell someone you like them? Putting yourself out there knowing you could get your heart broken, but you hope for the best anyway. Sometimes you wish you could take those words back and take everything back to how they were before anything was said. On the other hand you're glad you said them, even if the topic was avoided.

Keeping your heart guarded isn't such a bad idea. It's so easy to fall for someone only for them to not feel the same. It takes you back to high school when you were crushing on someone who didn't even notice your existence. But life goes on and you pick yourself back up and move on. Or so you think, hope and pray.

So that's where I am today. Trying to hang onto how things were before I said anything, enjoying the here and now and hoping nothing changes. It would be nice to have more than this, but I dread the thought that this friendship could be ruined if it's forced into being something more. Maybe it will grow into more one day, maybe it won't. Time can only tell, and I don't mind.

So for today I'm grateful that somehow I plucked up the courage to say something and grateful it hasn't changed anything (I hope). Sometimes my heart runs ahead of my brain and tries grabbing onto something it's not quite ready for and maybe that's why I get hurt and things don't ever work out.

Love and other things

It seems like the only thing most of us really think about is love. Love lost, the search for love, and the heartache sometimes that follows when that love fades away. Why is love so damn important?!

Sometimes I wonder if there's always one person in every relationship that gives more, loves more, sacrifices more etc or is true love when both people love each other equally? Is it really even possible to find someone that will be as crazy about me as I am about him? I sure hope so.

Deep down inside me there's a little girl waiting for her prince charming to come and sweep me off my feet. He needn't ride in on a white horse, with all the right words, and a castle to take me off to. Just a man who sees the world in my eyes and doesn't ever want to be with anyone else. Someone who smiles when thinking of me, who misses me the minute he leaves and wants to be with me, even of we're doing absolutely nothing. But does that ever exist? Don't get me wrong, I want a guy in my life who makes me feel all those things about him, and I can honestly say in past relationships I haven't felt entirely like this. Maybe that should've been enough for me to realise it was a disaster waiting to happen.

But for now my heart is happy and life is good. If love creeps in then I'll be ecstatic but if it doesn't then I'll keep on waiting. Who knows what's just around the corner. All I can say is these past couple of months have been the best months I've had in a long time. That's all that matters, so I'm hanging onto it and enjoying the ride. This is what life is meant to be.

One year ago

Tomorrow marks one whole year since my brother Douglas passed away. Most days it just doesn't seem real, like he's still in Mount Morgan and I need to visit him. I don't think it's ever truly sunk in that he died. Thinking about it now gets me all choked up, I'm just not sure how I'll be come tomorrow night.

Kailee still talks about when Douglas lived with us. She absolutely adored him. Although she was only 3yo she remembers how fun it was to do things as a family and the silly things he did. I even find myself telling people about stuff he did to make me laugh.

Like, jumping out the window late at night to shine a torch in my window from the footpath cuz I wasn't asleep. Or being sent to bed but laying in his room staring at me watching tv just so he didn't fall asleep. Sneaking toys in his school bag and pretending he didn't know they were there when I looked.

Douglas was the most caring, affectionate young man. He always gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek and always told me he loved me. He absolutely loved his niece and nephew. It breaks my heart knowing Xavier will grow up without ever knowing uncle Douglas.

So tomorrow I plan on watching my nephew play footy and remember Douglas for the fact he loved footy and running around. Afterwards I'll buy a rose in his memory, and when I get home I'll fall asleep knowing my life has been all the more blessed for having had Douglas in it.

I miss you little brother and love you always. RIP Douglas Wayne Richardson 10/02/1996 - 19/08/2011

Look who's back!!

It's been 6 months since I last blogged about anything and since so much has changed i figured it was only appropriate that I create a new blog and start afresh. Thanks to one of my coolest friends for the blog title ;-) I had a bit of a brain fart when trying to think of something snazzy to name this blog.

So far, over the past couple of months I ended the relationship I was in as I felt it was better for both parties (as well as my kids) for us to go our separate ways and pursue happiness. We just weren't finding it with each other. It was one of the hardest decisions I've had to make, but I felt at peace about it. I'm enjoying the single life and have met some awesome people since and actually enjoy the freedom I seem to have now.

Kailee and Xavier are growing up so quickly, they still drive me up the wall on a regular basis but that's their job isn't it?! Thankfully for the moment they are sitting on the freezer, looking through a photo album together. Surprisingly they are being nice to one another. I just wonder how long that will last...

I have an awesome friend coming to visit this at the end of this week, and he so kindly requested I start blogging again - so Josh, happy reading buddy!! I just can't guarantee that anything I ramble on about will be worth reading. Sorry.

So, until I think of something vaguely fascinating to blog about, Im going to go brush up on guitar skills, since I need to impress Justin with how good I'm learning :-P

xxx